As a funeral director I was often asked how I could do my job; being around death and grief and sadness every single day. How did I do it? I could be empathetic to the pain and sorrow without being devastated by the death. I explained it this way, “I was not emotionally attached to person who died. I didn’t have personal history with the person.”
“Those we love deeply who have died are a part of our identity; they are a part of our biography. We feel that love in the marrow of our bones. There is a lingering call to remember that, though sometimes muted by the chaos of the world, never fades away.” (p59 Grieving Is Loving, Dr Joanne Cacciatore, PhD 2020 Wisdom Publications).
People that we share life with and create memories with become a part of our history. Parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins are a part of our biography, our life story, our DNA. Friends and soulmates become a part of our identity. We gain a feeling of belonging and importance. We deeply and ferociously love each other.
Love is so important that it is one of the basic needs all humans have. We need to love and to be loved. There are types of love and the range is broad, from surface love to visceral love. In the Greek language there are eight different words, each used for a specific type of love. A single word just doesn’t describe the many facets of the human experience of love.
When we experience the type of love that is felt in the marrow of our bone; is it any wonder that when the person dies with whom we have shared that love, we grieve and hurt? We feel that our heart has been wrenched from our chest. We feel that a huge part of us is missing. Our identity is shattered and our dreams are destroyed. We feel incomplete because the person who completed us is gone forever from our sight.
In the midst of the chaos that takes up residence in our lives, we just want to remember. We want to remember their voice, their laugh, their touch and their scent. We want to hear their songs and their stories. We want to remember.
At first, it’s easy, the remembering. Everyone wants to remember. Our friends check in and share stories. Our families are near to us. As time passes people stop asking and we stop expecting. We stop speaking. Have they forgotten? When we utter her name, a hush fills the space. We see the glances quickly pass between the group. We hear the twitter of a chuckle or the rasp of the clearing of a throat. We sense the discomfort.
Will someone speak her name? Please remember.
We need to remember. The need never fades away.
It lingers…… forever.
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